成长 Growth

在这之前成长对我来说是一个“零” 

我从就不知“成长”意味的是什么？它的含义，它的过程。。。

但，时间总是会证明一切

23岁生日后，回到美国一切都变了。

变得很倒霉，

每个月都在搬家，找房子。

至今，还是没有一间是如我所愿的。

一不是开party 就是 味道难闻

二 黑的就嫌弃味道 难以相处 

简单的说，

我遇到奇葩的黑人－肤色歧视吧！

我真的搞不懂 是我们亚洲人的鼻子有问题呢？

还是你们的鼻子太过的敏感 像狗似的 

如今的我，

不止身心疲惫 ，精神也受埙了。

没一餐好的，又贫血，又压力。 

虽说，这一切都有一个过渡期 

但，

我的过渡期何时才到来呢？

很多时候，

我想与朋友说，

但说了，

她们又不能明白我的感受，处境。

同时，

我也领悟到 

只有当你真正的经历某些事的时候，

你才能真正的领悟与改变你看待事情的方式。

从一无知的小伙，

漂洋过海来到美国

一切都是新的人生 

而我，

需要面对的不是读书的压力和选择 

而是，

世间的人与人相处之道。

但，

这考验也未免来得太早了啊！

这要我如何去承受呢？

我还嫩呢！

坚强

九月尾的崩溃日子。活了23年，第一次经历到所谓人生的“极点”和“崩溃”。不懂是不是一种的迷信，但信也好不信也罢，属羊的明年犯太岁而今年过了生日后，回了美国，生活一团糟。搬家住旅店，又遇上一屋的🐒，常常带朋友来家里，玩闹之类的，这种生活这的累死我了。我和朋友诉苦，她们说她们理解但事实她们不理解。直到朋友来我家帮我搬家时看到，自己尝试了才真正的理解我的难处。不是我想啰嗦或者投诉，但事实新生真的是太嫩了，一心想着玩玩玩，我也是从那阶段过来的。虽然，我还是会想着玩，但课业的繁重让我有时忘了吃饭，那请问我哪有时间去玩或者什么的啊？回家晚上家里就是闹，我要怎么休息呢？一星期连续的生病，弄的我懵懵。连考试都可以可以的这样考过。这不是我想要的生活。而这也是我人生中读书生涯最低谷的一次了。真心希望，过了这次能安心的住下，赶紧的catch up 之前被遗漏的课业。心从来没那么德累过，想要找人说说也难。真的觉得我软弱了，泪水也多了，经不起再大的转折或者压力。压力真的能让我崩溃，本来是准备去预约心理医生辅导了，毕竟我过不了自己这一关。幸好，妈咪真的明白我的苦中，也帮了我很多，我也很感激，因为她在百忙中还得抽时间帮我。若没了妈咪的开导和帮助，我真的好想迷了路的孩子，永远找不到回家的路。现在最重要的还是得学会坚强的面对。

泪

一个月的坚持与坚强，终于在今天爆发了。从回来至今我的课业，我的住宿都一团糟。从期望到绝望，真的难以想象接下来的日子我该怎么过了。我知道我第一次的成绩都没达到目标，而我也知道我不该被他人影响，我也决定到图书馆温书了才回家。这是我目前唯一能读书的地方。虽说这是上天对我的考验，但为什么我总觉得我的考验都来得太早呢？很多让我长智的事情都发生在我大学生涯啊！能长进是好，但这对我来说我的确在很多方面都没有心理准备。很多时候的措手不及，让我做错了决定。昨天考完试后，生病了。一整天只啃了半片donut结果胃胀弄得我超级难受，又加上家里没一片刻的安宁，几乎每晚室友都会有朋友过来或者听歌看戏，一句话“无知” 又 “幼稚”。 第一年的学生就是这样的？ 每天都想着玩玩，也太自私了吧！而且，住跟她们除了忍受就是忍受。连煮饭都没了！洋妞不是每个都好，住跟她们后我发现我们不止言语沟通不了，文化也大大的差异。以前，班里的都是读书生，好奇我们的文化，能交的朋友，但直到这学期我才认清不是洋妞就好。只能说，之前我太幸运而如今“倒霉”。 现在每晚我都在祷告，真心的希望搬离这间家，因为我知道住得越久我心理障碍就越来越严重，精神上也会出了问题。想同时，我就会问自己是不是我的梦想太野了所以我才需要经历这些？雨后天晴是我现在唯一等待的。哭过了，心也舒服多了。

老天，求您了。

The Only One

To Lovely Mum, 

I really wanted to thank for all the hard work you had on me and also the loved, tolerance, cares you have on me. I'm just stupid and just realized after all year, things you had done and thought me are useful for my future. Last time i always grumbled about you and wanted to leave the house ASAP as the age comes. After all, i just realized that i'm nothing but a daughter and a child. I have lots of weakness that i can make it right in a short period but still i will try because i know time will teach me all the lesson. The more i explore, experience the more i will gain. "No Pain, No Gain" 

Since the day I'm back to States, my days just fucked up until today. I cannot cook at my house, because I'm living with 3 American girls. They are not getting used to Asian spices and food. I had been eating at restaurant for days and i'm getting so uncomfortable day after day. I stressed out because of my accommodation, i just felt so damn uncomfortable living here. I don't have my own space except my room. And, i told mum about my situation and there's room available at my Chinese friend friend's house. I'm just surprised when she asked me to move even i'm force to pay for the penalty. It's just warm and caring. When i'm lost, she will always there for me. There's no one can replace her in my life, not even my dad, my friends. The moment i had conversation with her through the phone i merely cried. Mum, you're the only one and forever one. Thanks for everything. You're the only reason why I'm fighting for with my double degree. I knew the courses are challenging and tough for me but every time i think of you, it motivates and keep me move on. 

Love Mum,

by daughter. 

End of summer 14

What a horrendous summer I ever had for the year. Things are not going well from the beginning of the year and that's really suck. The day before I return back to kent, I got message from my housemate about my room and new housemate. What an autocratic person they are and selfish. How could the office just give the permission to move all the stuff when I'm not there? I thought they know to respect someone privacy. What if some of my things losses who are the one to be responsible ? What a new housemate I had and awful summer end of the month. Everything is on the messed, and room cannot be settled down until Monday. I need some alcohol to calm down myself and also praying that the office able to get room for my housemate and me.

我想说

你知道吗？
以前的我常抱着很多的希望，因为常听人家说“有希望，就会有奇迹” “坚持信念，就有希望” 。
在我21岁那年，一个人离乡背井来到美国，和朋友分隔的时候 ，我才明白--希望 的意义。
以前的我常抱着这份希望，因为我深信这份希望会改写当时的状况。打比方说，与朋友约说这次要去那里那里，而最后一头空，但还深信下次一定会去。就是那份所谓的 “希望”， 所以梦想常破灭而脾气也就来了。
在国外的这两年，这份“希望” 开始不存在了。因为“希望” 不靠谱，而现在我想要的是当机立断，真实感 而不是一场虚幻，一个假设性的答案。听起来是有点偏激，但人生不就该这样吗？
近日，我每晚都在幻想我回国的那段日子。我真心的想要拥有一个与众不同的聚餐，生日，人际互动，但现实就是现实。再怎么幻想他还是虚幻，现实就是残酷。
虽然，我认清现实但我还是很渴望那些虚幻的能成真。
人生实在太短暂，我真的不想错过。以前，或许不怕死，但如今非同往日。
人生实在太多的意外，连我都不敢担保我自己的未来和下一刻发生的。
因为我知道那份 “痛”  “失望” 的感觉，所以很多事情我都开始不抱希望。 这样的话，那份 “痛” 与 “失望” 就不会有。朋友说旅行，我先听着；与家人旅行，我先歇下，因为我知道到最后又是一场欢喜一场空，又何必呢？ 

"Because I know how it feels, how pain it is and that is why i start giving up with hope"

My Spring

"If you can't have fun, there's no sense in doing it" by PAUL WALKER

Had been two years since the day i left Malaysia and began with my new life. Eventually, this semester i screwed up once again. I don't know why, and i also don't get it why. I would said "just not the year, 2014". Shameful of myself and also being afraid of my cgpa. Friends and time make the differences, I guess. I might be spending too much time on food, chilling and not being focus with my studies. I believed hard work paid off but sometimes, i'm just lazy with it and over self esteem.  The pain i had cannot be heal and tell, none of my friends understand how miserable it is. What i did was to figure out myself and try it once more. I thought of dropping Biotechnology but that seems to be a waste of money if i really do so. I'm half way of the track and quit in between that's really proved myself - useless. I believed, if i'm willing to change my way of study especially my gratitude and my consistency I will get a better grade. I knew this will be tougher road ever since the day i'm having double majors and Biotechnology isn't an easy job tho. It is a stressful job and willing to withstand all sort of pressure to obtain a higher achieve. I must find the way of interest on both majors so i won't be struggle throughout my entire degree. 

Uncertain Life

Mystery lost of MH 370. 239 passengers included the aircraft on board heading towards Beijing was declared "MISSING". This is the cruelty of life, the pain that brought for those being left behind, tears that no longer hold in our eyes. Heartbreaking news of the year. Everyone is looking for miracle and hold upon their faith and belief. There were no wrenched evidence found at the moment, but none of it can explain where is the plane gone or is everyone on board still alive? 
Life ... I started to be afraid. Live without the superpower or foreseeing the future is insecure. Unpredictable ! Losing someone you love and heartbreaking doesn't matter but we lost our soul at the same time too. 

February

I couldn't tell how I felt at the moment. It's just complicated and distracting.

Recently, everything went out of the track. I fuck up two of my major subject and stil struggle with another two ( gonna to get the result by next week). The worst feelings ever especially I'm not doing well. Somehow, yesterday mum just told me a tragic news about the lost ( CEOs of brother company) and he was so young and a billionaire. Plane crashed miles away from Breckenridge, Colorado. Inspiration again!! 

Life, as short as we all known. Unpredictable , accidents can happens anywhere, anytime without any precursor. Now, I'm afraid. I'm a coward now, I'm afraid since the accident ( January). Although, I'm no longer having night mare of it but still, when I heard anything about death- I'm shivering. Why god take those good people away when they were so young? For now, I knew how much it value for someone life and I'm praying for my parents, brother, grandma, families and friends healthy always and forever. I couldn't hold on to any lost. Being healthy, happy are the only thing I wished forever my birthday wish. I love everyone especially mum, brother and dad, even though sometimes, I tried to be mean and childish. 

Complicated feeling ever had. I never thought of financial problem since I was born. I knew I'm a lucky child and I didn't appreciate what I had. I'm regretted. I never thought maybe someday I might need to quit my studying middle in the road. I never thought of someday my parents will get older and I'm overwhelming them with the expenses in the states. When I first heard the news, I was so worried and I barely cry. I'm worried. I don't want to let go of my dream, although mum didn't mention anything about the financial yet I knew its not optimism. I really hope with my current CGpa I can get scholarship. I really need sponsor from the school or company. I don't want to disappoint anyone, and I'm going to work as hard as I could to brush up my foundation and maintain the current gpa. 

2013

2013 was a dream for me. Peoples come and go within a seconds, unpredictable and I only caught the tiny of the air left behind. Everything just happened to be out of the box without any preparation and this is what we called it as "LIFE" .
 From the beginning of the year', I thought it would be a great and unforgettable 2013 ever yet everything just fuck up when it cames to the end of the year. My favorite actor had gone to the heaven and learnt a hard lesson and going through a tough time. I'm still not over with it dealing with the hard time. 
Somehow,  I do realized what "FRIENDS" really stand for after seeing what Vin Diesel, Tyrese Gibson, Gal Gadot, Jordana Brester and etc did and grieved, mourned for the loss of two lives. Paul Walker and Nelson Mandela left the world with their magnificent work that will be carry on. And the most important was my friend (classmate) leaving to New York to further her studies. 
Imagine it, how sad it was. When you just got to know someone for months and then she's leaving. Anyway, New York isn't far from here hopefully we can meet up at any free time and build up the friendships. The only thing I regret about was we didn't get to have ice skating together. I just miss her, she's such a pretty, lovely girl and I felt so great to be around with her. If time can slip over, I would probably spend more time with her as bond for friendship.
This year, I seen, learnt and grow. People i met taught me, loves me, cares about me and i'm appreciate. God, treat me well. I spent the last day of 2013 at Epcot, Florida with my sickness. That's awful and tiring. Meanwhile, i also had some wishes for myself
1. I need to move on with my life with the spirit Paul left behind. I might not as rich, as generous but at least i can be someone dedicating to the society.
2. I must take good care of myself because life is limited and unpredictable. 
3. Brand new year, brand new semester. I need to hold onto my faith and keep working on what i suppose to, no matter how tough it is. Life stress me out, and I stress work out. 
4. I need to find someone that can help me in my career, my studies, and my living.
5. I wish i could spent more time with my families and friends.
6. I must learn to forgive someone and helpful. 
7. *secret* 

Results

Waiting for results always the typical process for me. I worried, afraid of the failure and so on.

Had the exam till the last day of the week and waiting for the results to be release on the coming week.

It's always nervous while going through the process. Somehow, i love the surprise that sometimes were out of my expectation. 

Although, i'm satisfied with the grade but still there's one or two that disappointed me.

I wonder, how do I live through the entire years with a FAIL or Passing grade for the pass? 

Passing grade means a fail to me and that's what i seen in Malaysian. 

Hoping for a passing grade for the final. 

Ain't they worried about their resume for the future purpose? 

Right now, only A's and B's satisfy my desire, my expectation, my hope, my dreams. 

I couldn't take any failure in the future, not the minor, at least. 

I hold my faith and strength against the reality and cruelty.