莫名的伤感

这几天不懂怎么了，莫名的伤感~

是因为音乐还是人事物让我感觉到这种莫名的伤感！

曾经以为我拥有一颗冷酷，坚强的内心

原来，一切都变了！

只从经历了某些事情长智的时候，我就变了

变得不再是我，不再是以前的我。

开始变得多虑，顾虑，焦急

同时，也让我领悟一些道理

或许，是因为这样 我变得多虑 觉得我的生涯有点可悲

每当我想找人聊聊天的时候，往往哪里都是空无一人的

与妈咪谈心的时间已超以与朋友谈心了。

不懂是我人缘差 还是 我身边的朋友都只不过是过路人

有时侯想起，眼眶泪水就在里面打滚

真让我心疼，失望

我的友谊生涯-可悲

莫名的感觉

虽然人生充满了很多不愉快，不顺利的事情。但，你知道吗？往往在我们哀怨的时候，我们经历的事与物都是让我们经历长大的过程。以前，我常埋怨为什么我比别人倒霉，比别人不幸而今，我似乎有些领悟。人生的道路不是平坦的，而是曲折。如今我试着不和朋友说我的心得烦恼，因为真正懂你的人她们会理解，会去关心而不是等你去烦去诉苦而最终无济于事。现在，我学会如何去面对，解决，分析我自己想要的。懂得我的心想要的什么，不再犹豫，也不再拖拖拉拉的做决定。其实，告诉别人你的苦衷不见得是一件有效的事，别人和你经历的不一致，而她们也不会理解。每个人的人生路都不一样，所以我不会象以前那样笨想要别人去理解，去明白，去诉苦。虽然，我的大学生涯会很难熬，时间延长了，会有很多的难题等着我去面对，也会泪水等着我去擦干，也会有很多不如意的事等着我，而我相信只要不放弃，不犹豫，和常常询问妈咪意见。我相信这一切难熬的时刻很快就会过了。 有时侯，我真的觉得我变了尤其是我的心，不再那么的坚强。很多时候，遇到不如意的事或则功课和考试遇到难题我几乎都处于在精神焦急的状态，很容易崩溃，发脾气和哭。这个月我应食物的问题和妈咪发脾气了，我生气她不理解我的处境，我哭我懊恼。可是，事过后我很感动因为妈咪每个月又多deposit 150美金让我打得士去买吃的和用的。我真的不需要那么多钱，妈咪的辛苦，谅解真的让我铭记在心。我不应该向她发脾气，我知错了，妈咪。对不起。
今天，我的心疼，提不起劲，不知为什么？复杂的心情，莫名的感觉很难说清楚。但，最后我想说的是“妈咪，谢谢你一直以来的付出和谅解我的脾气。”

隐藏

一个嬉皮笑脸的人，你知道她背后隐藏的委屈吗？有多少个人能真正的理解？又有几个可以以你为出发点去体会？事实上真的，没有！即使与我最亲近的妈妈也无法体会我现在的心情。你知道吗？有时候，我在想我在这求学真的是对的选择吗？在一个交通不方便的郊区读书真的是为我好吗？你有可知道有时候我为这件事，懊恼了几天甚至发脾气。要出门，买东西真的好好好麻烦！都要靠别人，等等等！我接受不了，没有食物我好没安全感，而且我也不是很有耐性的人。我真的很需要一个明白我的立场的人但每次都没有。我真的好失败，我好想哭了！这是这学期我第二次崩溃和哭吧！是我变脆弱了，还是眼泪太多了？想到要在这鬼地方辅修双休学位我就开始摇摆不定，我不懂我是否应该继续还是选其中之一，快点毕业！ 有时候，活得真累 我很想放弃 又有谁知道呢？为什么人就是有那么多的借口，最让我厌恶的是“忙”。我真的很想去理解那忙中的意思，因为从我看来一个人的忙也不至于忙整天，而往往我身边的人给我的借口就是这个。依我看，关键不在于忙而是有心还是无心罢了。就像我推辞那些邀请，借口就是忙 而事实是我不想去。同样的道理，灌输在不同人的身上罢了。

What I really wanted to say ...

It had been a month i did not update my blogger. It's too much to say about and is too complicated. Last month, was pretty overwhelmed and unlucky month for myself. Not doing well with my courses, lost my new camera and lots of things to worry with. The last day of the month, I figured out that "Friends are just a passerby in our life" Mum always mentioned all over the time, but i just ignored. She was right about "Never rely too much on your friends, no ones' will come to you as they are bordering with their stuff" and now i agreed with, eventually. I asked friends for help on my assignment and none of it reply. How pathetic I am.  At last, I need to fuck up that assignment by burning up the midnight oil and almost had myself insomnia. For the first time, i slept for 4 hours. That's really suck and disappointed. However, I feel that i'm a lucky person because my families are always there for me helping out to figure the assignment. It makes me to feel like FRIENDS are just an air surround around us, IS EVERYWHERE! But is none of them will be willing to help you when it comes to problem. The only one that always stands by side always mum and myself , "ALONE". Really sound so helpless and pessimistic. To me, friends are just people who I can get  along with some party or fun but not a lending hand, not sharing secret. So, I'm done with it. Time to be invisible and low profile. I keep telling myself that never ever expecting or asking help from others. What I really need is letting myself to strong and knowledgeable. I know everyone is "BUSY" life and i really don't get it why they couldn't help instead of posting, commenting, or liking things. Friend is nothing even you have bunch of them, whenever you need help for something and you're alone then those friendships mean "NOTHING". It makes like i'm invisible with my friendships. Now, I understand it.I'm always thinking of what i expected from others that's why it ended up like this. No offense. 

Letter to My Pass

Dear Cathleen,

Hi, I'm the future of you. I'm here to write to you just to inform you bout what will be happening throughout your teenage journey. Don't be too pessimistic of your middle school and high school grade if you didn't really well performed. You should always believe on your destiny and you were born to be a tough person. Always remember "MUSTNT GIVE UP ON SOMETHING WITHOUT TRYING OR ASSUMING" this wouldn't help but just getting yourself a chance to lie and running away from the reality. Every successor been thru plenty of failure before they were succeed, so it's the same rules that apply onto the study situation. Hard works always pay off. 

Besides, you must change your attitude towards studying and handling on stuff. To be serious on something isn't the worst but being clumsy or irresponsible will be a humiliate to your parents. Play when the time is right just like American did. "PLAY HARD, STUDY HARD" Think of your parents why are they working so hard to pay for your expenses ? What do they expect from you ? Are you willing to disappoint them ? And, don't blame your mum because everything she did was for your own sake. 

Dream for it, go for it. Don't change your thought if others were not on your side. Go for what you think it's right. They were not part of your life, they were just a passbyer. Future is your, chances are yours and the only way to grap not others. Never think of difficulties in your life because nothing is easy if we are  living in the earth. 

Don't give up on your grade if you dream to be doctor. Good grade helps you to apply good university. Having a strong foundation must be build young. 

Regards, 

Future Cathleen 

Busy week

Have been studying for one month and everything seem to be good at the beginning but fuck off at the end.
What came into my mind was, "I NEED TO CHANGE" "IS TIME TO CHANGE"

I always did some ridiculous and stupid things that always get myself screw up just like today

I screw up my genetics exam 1
I'm age of 22 and i need to be serious and responsible for every act and decision i have made.
So...

I need to end up with my "screw up life" by taking serious on my study attitude . 

I don't want to be useless as before. 

Fooling around and wasting mums' money. 

Mum' love me so much and I should also be concern of what I'm doing.
I need to responsible for my 3 major courses and i need to be under president list again.
I know it will be hard for not having a strong foundation on biology.
That's why i need some stress to push myself to the edge.
Study is NEVER easy for students. 

Now, I regret for what I had done in the pass so I promised myself not to repeat the same mistake again. 

"WE CAN LIVE ONCE IN OUR LIFETIME;
BUT CANNOT REPEAT THE SAME MISTAKE FOR A LIFETIME." 

Feelings [Part 2]

Everything is back on the track.
Classes began!
Good looking Prof, friendly classmate, enthusiasm housemate, seem like everything going on well and smooth.
Yet, it comes with a complicated feelings that ever had in before.
Is hard to say how i feel for right now.
It's really strange! 
Uhh!!!

Sometimes, i do think of myself.
What have changed me for the entire year?
Why am i working so hard?
Why do i sleep early?
What am i fighting for?
Lots of questions came across.

Sometimes, i felt that this isn't myself
Whatever i'm thinking or working on doesn't seem to be me.
Environments and peoples that came across do not seem to be the same.
But, my arrogant, spirit of winning would always be there.
WHY?

Nevertheless, I miss mum so much.
When i thought of the moment i had in Malaysia and Thailand, my heart hurts.
Although, i didn't talk with dad but my love towards him and mum will always glow from days to days.
I really miss them so much.
I wish i could finish my studies ASAP.

Recently, i thought of finding myself a bf or a friend that allow me to express all my feeling without worries.
But, it seems like "HARD" or 
I need to make the first move ?
I know everything is possible and the decision is on my hand.
Maybe one day, when i am drunk XD