成长 Growth

在这之前成长对我来说是一个“零” 

我从就不知“成长”意味的是什么？它的含义，它的过程。。。

但，时间总是会证明一切

23岁生日后，回到美国一切都变了。

变得很倒霉，

每个月都在搬家，找房子。

至今，还是没有一间是如我所愿的。

一不是开party 就是 味道难闻

二 黑的就嫌弃味道 难以相处 

简单的说，

我遇到奇葩的黑人－肤色歧视吧！

我真的搞不懂 是我们亚洲人的鼻子有问题呢？

还是你们的鼻子太过的敏感 像狗似的 

如今的我，

不止身心疲惫 ，精神也受埙了。

没一餐好的，又贫血，又压力。 

虽说，这一切都有一个过渡期 

但，

我的过渡期何时才到来呢？

很多时候，

我想与朋友说，

但说了，

她们又不能明白我的感受，处境。

同时，

我也领悟到 

只有当你真正的经历某些事的时候，

你才能真正的领悟与改变你看待事情的方式。

从一无知的小伙，

漂洋过海来到美国

一切都是新的人生 

而我，

需要面对的不是读书的压力和选择 

而是，

世间的人与人相处之道。

但，

这考验也未免来得太早了啊！

这要我如何去承受呢？

我还嫩呢！

Letter to My Pass

Dear Cathleen,

Hi, I'm the future of you. I'm here to write to you just to inform you bout what will be happening throughout your teenage journey. Don't be too pessimistic of your middle school and high school grade if you didn't really well performed. You should always believe on your destiny and you were born to be a tough person. Always remember "MUSTNT GIVE UP ON SOMETHING WITHOUT TRYING OR ASSUMING" this wouldn't help but just getting yourself a chance to lie and running away from the reality. Every successor been thru plenty of failure before they were succeed, so it's the same rules that apply onto the study situation. Hard works always pay off. 

Besides, you must change your attitude towards studying and handling on stuff. To be serious on something isn't the worst but being clumsy or irresponsible will be a humiliate to your parents. Play when the time is right just like American did. "PLAY HARD, STUDY HARD" Think of your parents why are they working so hard to pay for your expenses ? What do they expect from you ? Are you willing to disappoint them ? And, don't blame your mum because everything she did was for your own sake. 

Dream for it, go for it. Don't change your thought if others were not on your side. Go for what you think it's right. They were not part of your life, they were just a passbyer. Future is your, chances are yours and the only way to grap not others. Never think of difficulties in your life because nothing is easy if we are  living in the earth. 

Don't give up on your grade if you dream to be doctor. Good grade helps you to apply good university. Having a strong foundation must be build young. 

Regards, 

Future Cathleen 

Busy week

Have been studying for one month and everything seem to be good at the beginning but fuck off at the end.
What came into my mind was, "I NEED TO CHANGE" "IS TIME TO CHANGE"

I always did some ridiculous and stupid things that always get myself screw up just like today

I screw up my genetics exam 1
I'm age of 22 and i need to be serious and responsible for every act and decision i have made.
So...

I need to end up with my "screw up life" by taking serious on my study attitude . 

I don't want to be useless as before. 

Fooling around and wasting mums' money. 

Mum' love me so much and I should also be concern of what I'm doing.
I need to responsible for my 3 major courses and i need to be under president list again.
I know it will be hard for not having a strong foundation on biology.
That's why i need some stress to push myself to the edge.
Study is NEVER easy for students. 

Now, I regret for what I had done in the pass so I promised myself not to repeat the same mistake again. 

"WE CAN LIVE ONCE IN OUR LIFETIME;
BUT CANNOT REPEAT THE SAME MISTAKE FOR A LIFETIME." 

Feelings [Part 2]

Everything is back on the track.
Classes began!
Good looking Prof, friendly classmate, enthusiasm housemate, seem like everything going on well and smooth.
Yet, it comes with a complicated feelings that ever had in before.
Is hard to say how i feel for right now.
It's really strange! 
Uhh!!!

Sometimes, i do think of myself.
What have changed me for the entire year?
Why am i working so hard?
Why do i sleep early?
What am i fighting for?
Lots of questions came across.

Sometimes, i felt that this isn't myself
Whatever i'm thinking or working on doesn't seem to be me.
Environments and peoples that came across do not seem to be the same.
But, my arrogant, spirit of winning would always be there.
WHY?

Nevertheless, I miss mum so much.
When i thought of the moment i had in Malaysia and Thailand, my heart hurts.
Although, i didn't talk with dad but my love towards him and mum will always glow from days to days.
I really miss them so much.
I wish i could finish my studies ASAP.

Recently, i thought of finding myself a bf or a friend that allow me to express all my feeling without worries.
But, it seems like "HARD" or 
I need to make the first move ?
I know everything is possible and the decision is on my hand.
Maybe one day, when i am drunk XD