Learn from your action

Every strike you had made, every failure you had face, every hurt you had encountered, will always and never conclude you as a failure person. The hard work that you are paying will go for a price. If you did not succeed today and somehow, others did not see the value of yourself that you are having then just walk away and never look back. Someday, some where else, I believed there will be someone else that appreciate it. Dream should never be burn out, because that is the only thing that gonna to help you to succeed in the future. The feeling of pain, hurt and fear will makes you grow and yet always remember the damn lesson. Every strike, every investment is not about money, not about winning or losing, but is more about being success. How to be success when everyone are criticizing and having irony talk about you. Who cares? Let it be, move on and have faith on yourself.  Believe and make the dream to be real, improve what you had missed and magnified yourself to be strong. Today, I am not that good nor clover as you all; but i will keep learning and improve. 

Things that I should fix during Spring breaks

After all the busy studying life, this is the right time to have a short break and also reassembling every single mistake that I had did for pass few month. 

I had been over underestimating myself on my studies especially Chemistry. 

It's always a heartbreaking whenever I had the results. 

Over and over again, I told myself to be focus, pay full attention but I failed to. 

What's wrong with me? 

I wish i could had that answer for myself.

And right now, I need to figure out solutions that I'm able to fix those messed within a month. 

A week of break, might have help and beforehand I just need a three days break to enjoy, play and take a rest. 

After that, it will be the time to settle down and start preparing for the next exams and also finals. 

What a complicated feelings I ever had after years. 

Feelings that couldn't be expressed by words 

Aghhh... 

Whatever...

Life's always complicated, isn't ?

A promise to myself 

" Not to forget whatever you had started with, just keep going and stay strong on track" 

不被看好的决定

很多人问我，

“2015，你的愿望是啥？” 

心里默默的想 

”除了想要安稳的过日子，我想要一番美好的事业”

也有很多身边的朋友，一个接一个的毕业 而我还在陶醉在求学当中。
或许，我真有病吧！
我足足浪费三年7个月的求学时光，那时候的我，除了吃喝玩乐就是浪费钱。
那时候，我只能用俩字来形容自己 “无知” “天真” “白目”
直到来到美国，我才真正的开始学习 认真的读书。
所谓的钱财，对我来说真的实在太重要了。
去年，又因为家变 差点就因财源关系 差点继续不了。
庆幸吧！
经历了这么多事情后，2015的第一天开始，我就不停的问自己

“我真正想要的是什么？”

每天都反复的在想同样的问题。
直到前几天吃饭的时候，一个灵感让我想透了一些事情
而，我也从中有了这个决定。
两年后，美国毕业就会直奔中国继续深造中医学。
我的二十至三十岁或许都与学业渡过吧！
我想要的工作不是单单在实验室里呆着研究，然后简单的过日子。
那种生活太过于单调了～
我想要的事业是大企业，而且得和妈的生意有关之外还得一我的兴趣为主。
所以，2015
我告诉我自己 “再给自己5年的时间完成我的学业，其中在中国的学费会半工半读”因为我想要累积经验和市场打交道。
市场，社会的厌恶一面我还没真正见识到。
所以，2年后 也是时候见识一下了。

很多时候 的无可奈何

经历了5个月的颠倒忙碌的生活，我的心和体肤真的禁不起再大挫折了！

说真的2014的下半学期真的是我人生中经历最悲惨，最倒霉的日子了。

那段时间让我认识到所谓的“霸道和野蛮” 也就是传说中的黑人

回想起，从一开始我就做错了选择而我唯一能的做的将错就错。

直到一切得以律师来解决。

我的人生真的精彩呀！

从没想过有一天我得找上律师。

那个程序真的是我人生中的第一次，也从中学习了不少。

这段时间里，我想了很多。

现在的生活多半是忙碌，而以前是潇洒

那种无忧无虑，自以为是的我逐渐的消失。

很多时候，很多事情得深谋远虑，不再以轻浮的心态对待。

或许这是我人生中的必经阶段吧！

也是我第一次，一个人面对，思考这类的难题。

或许我该说，“我还没准备好” 

生活已经够累了，但生活的繁碎事情和经历足以弄垮一个人的生心，不是吗？ 

2015 羊年，新的开始

今年我许下的愿望是这么多年以来最简单不过了～

那就是， 

我想要平静安稳的过日子。

真心的不想再遇到除了学业以外的难题。

太多的无可奈何真的不是好事。

因为我不想那么快的理智上”成长“ 

虽说年纪也不少，也快步入25了 但毕竟我想要拥有着21/22 的时光。

一个人步入 不同的年纪 心声里 或许会改变 

但， 性格和习惯永远存在 

不是吗？ 

成长 Growth

在这之前成长对我来说是一个“零” 

我从就不知“成长”意味的是什么？它的含义，它的过程。。。

但，时间总是会证明一切

23岁生日后，回到美国一切都变了。

变得很倒霉，

每个月都在搬家，找房子。

至今，还是没有一间是如我所愿的。

一不是开party 就是 味道难闻

二 黑的就嫌弃味道 难以相处 

简单的说，

我遇到奇葩的黑人－肤色歧视吧！

我真的搞不懂 是我们亚洲人的鼻子有问题呢？

还是你们的鼻子太过的敏感 像狗似的 

如今的我，

不止身心疲惫 ，精神也受埙了。

没一餐好的，又贫血，又压力。 

虽说，这一切都有一个过渡期 

但，

我的过渡期何时才到来呢？

很多时候，

我想与朋友说，

但说了，

她们又不能明白我的感受，处境。

同时，

我也领悟到 

只有当你真正的经历某些事的时候，

你才能真正的领悟与改变你看待事情的方式。

从一无知的小伙，

漂洋过海来到美国

一切都是新的人生 

而我，

需要面对的不是读书的压力和选择 

而是，

世间的人与人相处之道。

但，

这考验也未免来得太早了啊！

这要我如何去承受呢？

我还嫩呢！

坚强

九月尾的崩溃日子。活了23年，第一次经历到所谓人生的“极点”和“崩溃”。不懂是不是一种的迷信，但信也好不信也罢，属羊的明年犯太岁而今年过了生日后，回了美国，生活一团糟。搬家住旅店，又遇上一屋的🐒，常常带朋友来家里，玩闹之类的，这种生活这的累死我了。我和朋友诉苦，她们说她们理解但事实她们不理解。直到朋友来我家帮我搬家时看到，自己尝试了才真正的理解我的难处。不是我想啰嗦或者投诉，但事实新生真的是太嫩了，一心想着玩玩玩，我也是从那阶段过来的。虽然，我还是会想着玩，但课业的繁重让我有时忘了吃饭，那请问我哪有时间去玩或者什么的啊？回家晚上家里就是闹，我要怎么休息呢？一星期连续的生病，弄的我懵懵。连考试都可以可以的这样考过。这不是我想要的生活。而这也是我人生中读书生涯最低谷的一次了。真心希望，过了这次能安心的住下，赶紧的catch up 之前被遗漏的课业。心从来没那么德累过，想要找人说说也难。真的觉得我软弱了，泪水也多了，经不起再大的转折或者压力。压力真的能让我崩溃，本来是准备去预约心理医生辅导了，毕竟我过不了自己这一关。幸好，妈咪真的明白我的苦中，也帮了我很多，我也很感激，因为她在百忙中还得抽时间帮我。若没了妈咪的开导和帮助，我真的好想迷了路的孩子，永远找不到回家的路。现在最重要的还是得学会坚强的面对。

泪

一个月的坚持与坚强，终于在今天爆发了。从回来至今我的课业，我的住宿都一团糟。从期望到绝望，真的难以想象接下来的日子我该怎么过了。我知道我第一次的成绩都没达到目标，而我也知道我不该被他人影响，我也决定到图书馆温书了才回家。这是我目前唯一能读书的地方。虽说这是上天对我的考验，但为什么我总觉得我的考验都来得太早呢？很多让我长智的事情都发生在我大学生涯啊！能长进是好，但这对我来说我的确在很多方面都没有心理准备。很多时候的措手不及，让我做错了决定。昨天考完试后，生病了。一整天只啃了半片donut结果胃胀弄得我超级难受，又加上家里没一片刻的安宁，几乎每晚室友都会有朋友过来或者听歌看戏，一句话“无知” 又 “幼稚”。 第一年的学生就是这样的？ 每天都想着玩玩，也太自私了吧！而且，住跟她们除了忍受就是忍受。连煮饭都没了！洋妞不是每个都好，住跟她们后我发现我们不止言语沟通不了，文化也大大的差异。以前，班里的都是读书生，好奇我们的文化，能交的朋友，但直到这学期我才认清不是洋妞就好。只能说，之前我太幸运而如今“倒霉”。 现在每晚我都在祷告，真心的希望搬离这间家，因为我知道住得越久我心理障碍就越来越严重，精神上也会出了问题。想同时，我就会问自己是不是我的梦想太野了所以我才需要经历这些？雨后天晴是我现在唯一等待的。哭过了，心也舒服多了。

老天，求您了。

The Only One

To Lovely Mum, 

I really wanted to thank for all the hard work you had on me and also the loved, tolerance, cares you have on me. I'm just stupid and just realized after all year, things you had done and thought me are useful for my future. Last time i always grumbled about you and wanted to leave the house ASAP as the age comes. After all, i just realized that i'm nothing but a daughter and a child. I have lots of weakness that i can make it right in a short period but still i will try because i know time will teach me all the lesson. The more i explore, experience the more i will gain. "No Pain, No Gain" 

Since the day I'm back to States, my days just fucked up until today. I cannot cook at my house, because I'm living with 3 American girls. They are not getting used to Asian spices and food. I had been eating at restaurant for days and i'm getting so uncomfortable day after day. I stressed out because of my accommodation, i just felt so damn uncomfortable living here. I don't have my own space except my room. And, i told mum about my situation and there's room available at my Chinese friend friend's house. I'm just surprised when she asked me to move even i'm force to pay for the penalty. It's just warm and caring. When i'm lost, she will always there for me. There's no one can replace her in my life, not even my dad, my friends. The moment i had conversation with her through the phone i merely cried. Mum, you're the only one and forever one. Thanks for everything. You're the only reason why I'm fighting for with my double degree. I knew the courses are challenging and tough for me but every time i think of you, it motivates and keep me move on. 

Love Mum,

by daughter. 

End of summer 14

What a horrendous summer I ever had for the year. Things are not going well from the beginning of the year and that's really suck. The day before I return back to kent, I got message from my housemate about my room and new housemate. What an autocratic person they are and selfish. How could the office just give the permission to move all the stuff when I'm not there? I thought they know to respect someone privacy. What if some of my things losses who are the one to be responsible ? What a new housemate I had and awful summer end of the month. Everything is on the messed, and room cannot be settled down until Monday. I need some alcohol to calm down myself and also praying that the office able to get room for my housemate and me.

我想说

你知道吗？
以前的我常抱着很多的希望，因为常听人家说“有希望，就会有奇迹” “坚持信念，就有希望” 。
在我21岁那年，一个人离乡背井来到美国，和朋友分隔的时候 ，我才明白--希望 的意义。
以前的我常抱着这份希望，因为我深信这份希望会改写当时的状况。打比方说，与朋友约说这次要去那里那里，而最后一头空，但还深信下次一定会去。就是那份所谓的 “希望”， 所以梦想常破灭而脾气也就来了。
在国外的这两年，这份“希望” 开始不存在了。因为“希望” 不靠谱，而现在我想要的是当机立断，真实感 而不是一场虚幻，一个假设性的答案。听起来是有点偏激，但人生不就该这样吗？
近日，我每晚都在幻想我回国的那段日子。我真心的想要拥有一个与众不同的聚餐，生日，人际互动，但现实就是现实。再怎么幻想他还是虚幻，现实就是残酷。
虽然，我认清现实但我还是很渴望那些虚幻的能成真。
人生实在太短暂，我真的不想错过。以前，或许不怕死，但如今非同往日。
人生实在太多的意外，连我都不敢担保我自己的未来和下一刻发生的。
因为我知道那份 “痛”  “失望” 的感觉，所以很多事情我都开始不抱希望。 这样的话，那份 “痛” 与 “失望” 就不会有。朋友说旅行，我先听着；与家人旅行，我先歇下，因为我知道到最后又是一场欢喜一场空，又何必呢？ 

"Because I know how it feels, how pain it is and that is why i start giving up with hope"

My Spring

"If you can't have fun, there's no sense in doing it" by PAUL WALKER

Had been two years since the day i left Malaysia and began with my new life. Eventually, this semester i screwed up once again. I don't know why, and i also don't get it why. I would said "just not the year, 2014". Shameful of myself and also being afraid of my cgpa. Friends and time make the differences, I guess. I might be spending too much time on food, chilling and not being focus with my studies. I believed hard work paid off but sometimes, i'm just lazy with it and over self esteem.  The pain i had cannot be heal and tell, none of my friends understand how miserable it is. What i did was to figure out myself and try it once more. I thought of dropping Biotechnology but that seems to be a waste of money if i really do so. I'm half way of the track and quit in between that's really proved myself - useless. I believed, if i'm willing to change my way of study especially my gratitude and my consistency I will get a better grade. I knew this will be tougher road ever since the day i'm having double majors and Biotechnology isn't an easy job tho. It is a stressful job and willing to withstand all sort of pressure to obtain a higher achieve. I must find the way of interest on both majors so i won't be struggle throughout my entire degree. 

Uncertain Life

Mystery lost of MH 370. 239 passengers included the aircraft on board heading towards Beijing was declared "MISSING". This is the cruelty of life, the pain that brought for those being left behind, tears that no longer hold in our eyes. Heartbreaking news of the year. Everyone is looking for miracle and hold upon their faith and belief. There were no wrenched evidence found at the moment, but none of it can explain where is the plane gone or is everyone on board still alive? 
Life ... I started to be afraid. Live without the superpower or foreseeing the future is insecure. Unpredictable ! Losing someone you love and heartbreaking doesn't matter but we lost our soul at the same time too. 

February

I couldn't tell how I felt at the moment. It's just complicated and distracting.

Recently, everything went out of the track. I fuck up two of my major subject and stil struggle with another two ( gonna to get the result by next week). The worst feelings ever especially I'm not doing well. Somehow, yesterday mum just told me a tragic news about the lost ( CEOs of brother company) and he was so young and a billionaire. Plane crashed miles away from Breckenridge, Colorado. Inspiration again!! 

Life, as short as we all known. Unpredictable , accidents can happens anywhere, anytime without any precursor. Now, I'm afraid. I'm a coward now, I'm afraid since the accident ( January). Although, I'm no longer having night mare of it but still, when I heard anything about death- I'm shivering. Why god take those good people away when they were so young? For now, I knew how much it value for someone life and I'm praying for my parents, brother, grandma, families and friends healthy always and forever. I couldn't hold on to any lost. Being healthy, happy are the only thing I wished forever my birthday wish. I love everyone especially mum, brother and dad, even though sometimes, I tried to be mean and childish. 

Complicated feeling ever had. I never thought of financial problem since I was born. I knew I'm a lucky child and I didn't appreciate what I had. I'm regretted. I never thought maybe someday I might need to quit my studying middle in the road. I never thought of someday my parents will get older and I'm overwhelming them with the expenses in the states. When I first heard the news, I was so worried and I barely cry. I'm worried. I don't want to let go of my dream, although mum didn't mention anything about the financial yet I knew its not optimism. I really hope with my current CGpa I can get scholarship. I really need sponsor from the school or company. I don't want to disappoint anyone, and I'm going to work as hard as I could to brush up my foundation and maintain the current gpa. 

2013

2013 was a dream for me. Peoples come and go within a seconds, unpredictable and I only caught the tiny of the air left behind. Everything just happened to be out of the box without any preparation and this is what we called it as "LIFE" .
 From the beginning of the year', I thought it would be a great and unforgettable 2013 ever yet everything just fuck up when it cames to the end of the year. My favorite actor had gone to the heaven and learnt a hard lesson and going through a tough time. I'm still not over with it dealing with the hard time. 
Somehow,  I do realized what "FRIENDS" really stand for after seeing what Vin Diesel, Tyrese Gibson, Gal Gadot, Jordana Brester and etc did and grieved, mourned for the loss of two lives. Paul Walker and Nelson Mandela left the world with their magnificent work that will be carry on. And the most important was my friend (classmate) leaving to New York to further her studies. 
Imagine it, how sad it was. When you just got to know someone for months and then she's leaving. Anyway, New York isn't far from here hopefully we can meet up at any free time and build up the friendships. The only thing I regret about was we didn't get to have ice skating together. I just miss her, she's such a pretty, lovely girl and I felt so great to be around with her. If time can slip over, I would probably spend more time with her as bond for friendship.
This year, I seen, learnt and grow. People i met taught me, loves me, cares about me and i'm appreciate. God, treat me well. I spent the last day of 2013 at Epcot, Florida with my sickness. That's awful and tiring. Meanwhile, i also had some wishes for myself
1. I need to move on with my life with the spirit Paul left behind. I might not as rich, as generous but at least i can be someone dedicating to the society.
2. I must take good care of myself because life is limited and unpredictable. 
3. Brand new year, brand new semester. I need to hold onto my faith and keep working on what i suppose to, no matter how tough it is. Life stress me out, and I stress work out. 
4. I need to find someone that can help me in my career, my studies, and my living.
5. I wish i could spent more time with my families and friends.
6. I must learn to forgive someone and helpful. 
7. *secret* 

Results

Waiting for results always the typical process for me. I worried, afraid of the failure and so on.

Had the exam till the last day of the week and waiting for the results to be release on the coming week.

It's always nervous while going through the process. Somehow, i love the surprise that sometimes were out of my expectation. 

Although, i'm satisfied with the grade but still there's one or two that disappointed me.

I wonder, how do I live through the entire years with a FAIL or Passing grade for the pass? 

Passing grade means a fail to me and that's what i seen in Malaysian. 

Hoping for a passing grade for the final. 

Ain't they worried about their resume for the future purpose? 

Right now, only A's and B's satisfy my desire, my expectation, my hope, my dreams. 

I couldn't take any failure in the future, not the minor, at least. 

I hold my faith and strength against the reality and cruelty. 

眼睛

好几年了，这种感觉和预感都快给忘了。 人与人之间的最间接的接触就是眼睛。对我来说是一件很奥妙的。👀 与眼睛也存在我们所谓的“磁场”，搞得我好紧张（有时候）。

近几年我都不用正面的眼神去看一个人，而“他的眼睛”终于成功的吸引我。每周我们只会碰两次面，而这两天我都会特别的期待，好像“他”の到来会牵动着我的心情。很多时候，我都在想是不是缘分安排の。与他同班一年，第一堂课就被安排与他一组而接二连三都是他。你说，这是缘分吗？ 那时的我还没被他的眼睛吸引，但我却发现他长得挺好看，帅。 然后，这学期我们又同班了。这次与他同组的机会变少但就多了眼神交流。我很希望这不是我太命感或者想过而做的结论。很多时候，我们想の东西很一致，而且常常碰衣服的颜色。一次两次可以说是巧合，但多过三次就是缘分吧！ 他的条件很好，不抽烟，不喝酒而且还会下厨，这の是好男生。可惜の是我们宗教理念不同，我就不明白为什么班上的中国妹子不喜欢和他们一组！话说回来这の却让我感到很奇怪，每次我们互相看对方时那种眼神，那种感觉很不一样。 与我对望其他の中东人眼神不一样，可以告诉我原因吗？ 前几个月还是夏天の一个晚上，我去倒垃圾时隐约の听到他的声音在另外一栋楼那，那时の我没戴眼镜但我知道那里有人在聊天。那时候，我开始紧张，开心。若他是住我隔壁楼那也太有缘太巧了吧！你说呢？ 过后，我开始回避与他眼神交流但还是很难避免。我不想越陷越深，对不实际の拥有任何的希望，也不想拥有那么的想象。

上帝，若这真的你安排的缘分我会坦然地接受但我可不想为着一点小事烦哦。有缘的话，下学期就会同班或相遇吧！

When it comes to reality

I thought I could hold my strength with the bravery that god gave 

Unfortunate, I fail 

It will be a long December and 2013

We all loss the car legend, Paul Walker which really make my day down 

Throwback on every movie, condolence by the ff families 

Devastating news ever 

The tears just couldn't hold any longer in my eyes

Heartbreaking for the universal  and also for me
Suddenly, i felt that i lost someone important in my life and turn my life to be dark.
Looking forward the light sent by the God to show me the path
Now, i realized how important it is to be love and love everyone besides you.
"LOVE" is never late as you have it with you and telling peoples. 
"LOVE" is never a romantic but somehow a way to show you caring.
Nov 30 always a day to remember you, and your spirit will always live with us. 

The Loss

Nov 30 2013, black day of the month because we all loss him, Paul Walker.

Legend of the car race since 2001, playing the role of Brian O' Conner in Fast & Furious.

Yet, everything gonna to be different since then.

The moment i saw the news it was really a huge strike ever.

Only two celebrities that got me down.

Wong Ka Kui, Paul Wong dead on June 30 1993 and now we loss Paul Walker one the Nov 30 twenty years after Paul Wong.

A sudden strike and tragic news before the end of 2013.

I really wish that's just a sense of rumor 

Somehow, God just playing a trick with us.

All the fans of him got heartbroken once the news was confirmed.

I still can't believed it,

just like i'm still dreaming.

You know, how much it hurts although he's just my favor actor

I did cry the moment i hear about the news'

Barely lose of control of myself

The sadness can be only buried inside my heart 

Dec 13 will be his last movie left for all of his fans,

Paul Walker, rest in peace 

and I believed your work left for us will always remain as what it was.

The Image

I'm not God but myself .

Sometimes, i'm lost nowhere 

Sometime, life can be reckless, hopeless, sad , disappointed

But,

if we're being optimistic 

Life will be fun, happy and meaningful. 

I just need someones' to enlighten me 

Telling and showing me the light, where i'm suppose to be.

I know, 

right now i'm not who i'm

Something is still missing 

And, what i need is explore myself to find out 

The fire will start to glow once the time is right

And, yet that will be the time i find myself.

The years and days before,

I blamed everything

I blamed on results, lecturer, friends, families but NOT myself.

That moment, i knew i was lost.

Somehow, I'm being too arrogant and tenacious on something and focusing more on the pre-surface.

I knew, life was never easy for everyone.

But, still I insisted with what I thought at first.

Nobody can changed it tho.

For now, i'm willing to accept whatever advise, comment from others.

The goal of mine was to learn as much as i could.

I'm willing to pay for the price and wanted to have a glory reputation

I want to earn my first goal before 30.

I see the image of what i wanted the most in the future.

I know what i'm going to focus on

And, I just need to brave myself and learn to be confidence

No more admiring on others.

For friendships, i will just take it easy.

No pressure on friendships

Journey is mine, not theirs.

So, why should I bother so much on friendships when it's no worthy?

Just be smart and learn.

Complaining all over the f* status at facebook sometime just got me so annoyed.

I'm not proud of myself but it's really the time for them to think about it.

From what i had seen was they were just the same as my past.

Be mature, please.

Think deeper and have a more wider images around the world.

莫名的伤感

这几天不懂怎么了，莫名的伤感~

是因为音乐还是人事物让我感觉到这种莫名的伤感！

曾经以为我拥有一颗冷酷，坚强的内心

原来，一切都变了！

只从经历了某些事情长智的时候，我就变了

变得不再是我，不再是以前的我。

开始变得多虑，顾虑，焦急

同时，也让我领悟一些道理

或许，是因为这样 我变得多虑 觉得我的生涯有点可悲

每当我想找人聊聊天的时候，往往哪里都是空无一人的

与妈咪谈心的时间已超以与朋友谈心了。

不懂是我人缘差 还是 我身边的朋友都只不过是过路人

有时侯想起，眼眶泪水就在里面打滚

真让我心疼，失望

我的友谊生涯-可悲