成长 Growth

在这之前成长对我来说是一个“零” 

我从就不知“成长”意味的是什么？它的含义，它的过程。。。

但，时间总是会证明一切

23岁生日后，回到美国一切都变了。

变得很倒霉，

每个月都在搬家，找房子。

至今，还是没有一间是如我所愿的。

一不是开party 就是 味道难闻

二 黑的就嫌弃味道 难以相处 

简单的说，

我遇到奇葩的黑人－肤色歧视吧！

我真的搞不懂 是我们亚洲人的鼻子有问题呢？

还是你们的鼻子太过的敏感 像狗似的 

如今的我，

不止身心疲惫 ，精神也受埙了。

没一餐好的，又贫血，又压力。 

虽说，这一切都有一个过渡期 

但，

我的过渡期何时才到来呢？

很多时候，

我想与朋友说，

但说了，

她们又不能明白我的感受，处境。

同时，

我也领悟到 

只有当你真正的经历某些事的时候，

你才能真正的领悟与改变你看待事情的方式。

从一无知的小伙，

漂洋过海来到美国

一切都是新的人生 

而我，

需要面对的不是读书的压力和选择 

而是，

世间的人与人相处之道。

但，

这考验也未免来得太早了啊！

这要我如何去承受呢？

我还嫩呢！

坚强

九月尾的崩溃日子。活了23年，第一次经历到所谓人生的“极点”和“崩溃”。不懂是不是一种的迷信，但信也好不信也罢，属羊的明年犯太岁而今年过了生日后，回了美国，生活一团糟。搬家住旅店，又遇上一屋的🐒，常常带朋友来家里，玩闹之类的，这种生活这的累死我了。我和朋友诉苦，她们说她们理解但事实她们不理解。直到朋友来我家帮我搬家时看到，自己尝试了才真正的理解我的难处。不是我想啰嗦或者投诉，但事实新生真的是太嫩了，一心想着玩玩玩，我也是从那阶段过来的。虽然，我还是会想着玩，但课业的繁重让我有时忘了吃饭，那请问我哪有时间去玩或者什么的啊？回家晚上家里就是闹，我要怎么休息呢？一星期连续的生病，弄的我懵懵。连考试都可以可以的这样考过。这不是我想要的生活。而这也是我人生中读书生涯最低谷的一次了。真心希望，过了这次能安心的住下，赶紧的catch up 之前被遗漏的课业。心从来没那么德累过，想要找人说说也难。真的觉得我软弱了，泪水也多了，经不起再大的转折或者压力。压力真的能让我崩溃，本来是准备去预约心理医生辅导了，毕竟我过不了自己这一关。幸好，妈咪真的明白我的苦中，也帮了我很多，我也很感激，因为她在百忙中还得抽时间帮我。若没了妈咪的开导和帮助，我真的好想迷了路的孩子，永远找不到回家的路。现在最重要的还是得学会坚强的面对。

2013

2013 was a dream for me. Peoples come and go within a seconds, unpredictable and I only caught the tiny of the air left behind. Everything just happened to be out of the box without any preparation and this is what we called it as "LIFE" .
 From the beginning of the year', I thought it would be a great and unforgettable 2013 ever yet everything just fuck up when it cames to the end of the year. My favorite actor had gone to the heaven and learnt a hard lesson and going through a tough time. I'm still not over with it dealing with the hard time. 
Somehow,  I do realized what "FRIENDS" really stand for after seeing what Vin Diesel, Tyrese Gibson, Gal Gadot, Jordana Brester and etc did and grieved, mourned for the loss of two lives. Paul Walker and Nelson Mandela left the world with their magnificent work that will be carry on. And the most important was my friend (classmate) leaving to New York to further her studies. 
Imagine it, how sad it was. When you just got to know someone for months and then she's leaving. Anyway, New York isn't far from here hopefully we can meet up at any free time and build up the friendships. The only thing I regret about was we didn't get to have ice skating together. I just miss her, she's such a pretty, lovely girl and I felt so great to be around with her. If time can slip over, I would probably spend more time with her as bond for friendship.
This year, I seen, learnt and grow. People i met taught me, loves me, cares about me and i'm appreciate. God, treat me well. I spent the last day of 2013 at Epcot, Florida with my sickness. That's awful and tiring. Meanwhile, i also had some wishes for myself
1. I need to move on with my life with the spirit Paul left behind. I might not as rich, as generous but at least i can be someone dedicating to the society.
2. I must take good care of myself because life is limited and unpredictable. 
3. Brand new year, brand new semester. I need to hold onto my faith and keep working on what i suppose to, no matter how tough it is. Life stress me out, and I stress work out. 
4. I need to find someone that can help me in my career, my studies, and my living.
5. I wish i could spent more time with my families and friends.
6. I must learn to forgive someone and helpful. 
7. *secret* 

Results

Waiting for results always the typical process for me. I worried, afraid of the failure and so on.

Had the exam till the last day of the week and waiting for the results to be release on the coming week.

It's always nervous while going through the process. Somehow, i love the surprise that sometimes were out of my expectation. 

Although, i'm satisfied with the grade but still there's one or two that disappointed me.

I wonder, how do I live through the entire years with a FAIL or Passing grade for the pass? 

Passing grade means a fail to me and that's what i seen in Malaysian. 

Hoping for a passing grade for the final. 

Ain't they worried about their resume for the future purpose? 

Right now, only A's and B's satisfy my desire, my expectation, my hope, my dreams. 

I couldn't take any failure in the future, not the minor, at least. 

I hold my faith and strength against the reality and cruelty. 

谁能理解？

心中的痛  谁能理解？
心中的寂寞  谁能明白？
坎坷的未来  谁能掌握？

今天特别想这样的写 
这种感觉   这种想法 
突然间就出现在我心和脑。

虽然说，
心中的痛  并不是男女之间的
但  曾经或则现在   少许会出现

虽然说，
现在的我是过着空荡荡的日子
烦恼少了 
或 
甚至没有
但这不代表好哦！
心中的空虚，心里的难过
唯有与你一起经历的人才能理解、体会

意外

人生啊！

太多太多我们无法预料的事情。

上周五，爸爸出了点小意外。

幸好没什么大碍。

虽然，回国至今都没和他沟通。

虽然，表面上我是冷嘲热讽的。

但，心里还是关心的。

这就是我表现的爱吧！

很多个夜晚，我都在想。。。

若

没有之前的争斗，现在会不会不一样？

没有之前的裂痕，现在会不会好聚好散？

太多的“假如”“若”

而这些都是虚假，不存在的假设。

一切一切，发生了

就让时间去改变。

虽然说，现在是有点难里接受，不习惯。

或许，这是我必须经历的一个阶段？

曾经，我埋怨过 恨过 

为什么她们得把一个好好的大家庭搞成如今的局面？

世界上，没有后悔 也没有回头这回事

或许，驾车时 路过错的道路  我们还可以U-TURN

但现实的生活---- 没有 

逃避和惊喜

逃避 

这两个词不知不觉地介入了我的生活 

我也不知道从何开始 我开始逃避某些事情 

令我想要逃避的是 

成绩 

成绩 本来就没那么重要 

但 

不知道从何开始 

我开始害怕了

开始承受不了 

经不起失败了

内心的恐惧 

一天一天的增加 

最后，
心痒痒 
手多多
勇气少少 
查看了成绩 
不可思议 ！！！
成绩竟然出乎我意料中 
那颗心总算放下 
开心死
太久太久了 
我都快忘记那感觉
奋斗后的成功带来的喜悦 

虽然，我没付出99% 
但，至少比以前付出的多吧！
现在，
成绩不单是 及格那么简单
 而且也应该要榜上有名吧！

My Mistake

Mistake that became my shadow 

I would never know the truth or answer,

If someone never tell me

Telling me how ridiculous it was for my undo mistake 

I would never know that the mistake would hurt so much 

Not for others but also myself

I always thought of sincerely 

But I think I'm wrong 

"Sincere" that I brought to others was pain and hurt 

Recalling on those days, had became one of my nightmare 

I could not accepted nor thought of it 

It was my darkest side I ever had in my life 

And, because of the mistake I could face it for the moment 

The pain that I never aspect 

The hurt that I had created 

All those ridiculous move making me to be shameful 

Somehow

I tried to imagine how things work at that time

I also wonder how others thought of me 

How others get through with me

There's too many questions that do not have sufficient answers

Those questions can only deeply bury in no where.  

                                                                                                                         
     [to be continue]

原来 是这样

今天我真的让我感到丢脸啊！

真好没面子去见和回去了呀！

有千千万万的 “原来” 
“原来” 这样 
“原来” 那样
“原来” 那么的好笑 
“原来” 那么的可悲
“原来” 以前真的那么无知，幼稚，愚蠢 

真的不懂该从说起
简约吧！
原来，我给身边的人的印象是那么的差
而，我还不知道  真是丢脸死
我真的太天真，无知和自大
难怪我的人缘那么的差 

或许，曾经
我身边的朋友议论过我
而我 却不知道 
不知道自己的错误
不知道自己带给别人压力 
不知道自己带给别人无奈 

我真的不懂该怎么说自己的过错 
因为错得太离谱了
而在这过错的过程里
却没有人愿意去纠正 
相反的，
这不但包庇了我，宠坏了我 
若 
没来美国的话，
我真的不懂这些“无聊”“愚蠢”的事
我都干尽了                                                                                                    [继续]