The Only One

To Lovely Mum, 

I really wanted to thank for all the hard work you had on me and also the loved, tolerance, cares you have on me. I'm just stupid and just realized after all year, things you had done and thought me are useful for my future. Last time i always grumbled about you and wanted to leave the house ASAP as the age comes. After all, i just realized that i'm nothing but a daughter and a child. I have lots of weakness that i can make it right in a short period but still i will try because i know time will teach me all the lesson. The more i explore, experience the more i will gain. "No Pain, No Gain" 

Since the day I'm back to States, my days just fucked up until today. I cannot cook at my house, because I'm living with 3 American girls. They are not getting used to Asian spices and food. I had been eating at restaurant for days and i'm getting so uncomfortable day after day. I stressed out because of my accommodation, i just felt so damn uncomfortable living here. I don't have my own space except my room. And, i told mum about my situation and there's room available at my Chinese friend friend's house. I'm just surprised when she asked me to move even i'm force to pay for the penalty. It's just warm and caring. When i'm lost, she will always there for me. There's no one can replace her in my life, not even my dad, my friends. The moment i had conversation with her through the phone i merely cried. Mum, you're the only one and forever one. Thanks for everything. You're the only reason why I'm fighting for with my double degree. I knew the courses are challenging and tough for me but every time i think of you, it motivates and keep me move on. 

Love Mum,

by daughter. 

End of summer 14

What a horrendous summer I ever had for the year. Things are not going well from the beginning of the year and that's really suck. The day before I return back to kent, I got message from my housemate about my room and new housemate. What an autocratic person they are and selfish. How could the office just give the permission to move all the stuff when I'm not there? I thought they know to respect someone privacy. What if some of my things losses who are the one to be responsible ? What a new housemate I had and awful summer end of the month. Everything is on the messed, and room cannot be settled down until Monday. I need some alcohol to calm down myself and also praying that the office able to get room for my housemate and me.

我想说

你知道吗？
以前的我常抱着很多的希望，因为常听人家说“有希望，就会有奇迹” “坚持信念，就有希望” 。
在我21岁那年，一个人离乡背井来到美国，和朋友分隔的时候 ，我才明白--希望 的意义。
以前的我常抱着这份希望，因为我深信这份希望会改写当时的状况。打比方说，与朋友约说这次要去那里那里，而最后一头空，但还深信下次一定会去。就是那份所谓的 “希望”， 所以梦想常破灭而脾气也就来了。
在国外的这两年，这份“希望” 开始不存在了。因为“希望” 不靠谱，而现在我想要的是当机立断，真实感 而不是一场虚幻，一个假设性的答案。听起来是有点偏激，但人生不就该这样吗？
近日，我每晚都在幻想我回国的那段日子。我真心的想要拥有一个与众不同的聚餐，生日，人际互动，但现实就是现实。再怎么幻想他还是虚幻，现实就是残酷。
虽然，我认清现实但我还是很渴望那些虚幻的能成真。
人生实在太短暂，我真的不想错过。以前，或许不怕死，但如今非同往日。
人生实在太多的意外，连我都不敢担保我自己的未来和下一刻发生的。
因为我知道那份 “痛”  “失望” 的感觉，所以很多事情我都开始不抱希望。 这样的话，那份 “痛” 与 “失望” 就不会有。朋友说旅行，我先听着；与家人旅行，我先歇下，因为我知道到最后又是一场欢喜一场空，又何必呢？ 

"Because I know how it feels, how pain it is and that is why i start giving up with hope"

My Spring

"If you can't have fun, there's no sense in doing it" by PAUL WALKER

Had been two years since the day i left Malaysia and began with my new life. Eventually, this semester i screwed up once again. I don't know why, and i also don't get it why. I would said "just not the year, 2014". Shameful of myself and also being afraid of my cgpa. Friends and time make the differences, I guess. I might be spending too much time on food, chilling and not being focus with my studies. I believed hard work paid off but sometimes, i'm just lazy with it and over self esteem.  The pain i had cannot be heal and tell, none of my friends understand how miserable it is. What i did was to figure out myself and try it once more. I thought of dropping Biotechnology but that seems to be a waste of money if i really do so. I'm half way of the track and quit in between that's really proved myself - useless. I believed, if i'm willing to change my way of study especially my gratitude and my consistency I will get a better grade. I knew this will be tougher road ever since the day i'm having double majors and Biotechnology isn't an easy job tho. It is a stressful job and willing to withstand all sort of pressure to obtain a higher achieve. I must find the way of interest on both majors so i won't be struggle throughout my entire degree. 

Uncertain Life

Mystery lost of MH 370. 239 passengers included the aircraft on board heading towards Beijing was declared "MISSING". This is the cruelty of life, the pain that brought for those being left behind, tears that no longer hold in our eyes. Heartbreaking news of the year. Everyone is looking for miracle and hold upon their faith and belief. There were no wrenched evidence found at the moment, but none of it can explain where is the plane gone or is everyone on board still alive? 
Life ... I started to be afraid. Live without the superpower or foreseeing the future is insecure. Unpredictable ! Losing someone you love and heartbreaking doesn't matter but we lost our soul at the same time too. 

February

I couldn't tell how I felt at the moment. It's just complicated and distracting.

Recently, everything went out of the track. I fuck up two of my major subject and stil struggle with another two ( gonna to get the result by next week). The worst feelings ever especially I'm not doing well. Somehow, yesterday mum just told me a tragic news about the lost ( CEOs of brother company) and he was so young and a billionaire. Plane crashed miles away from Breckenridge, Colorado. Inspiration again!! 

Life, as short as we all known. Unpredictable , accidents can happens anywhere, anytime without any precursor. Now, I'm afraid. I'm a coward now, I'm afraid since the accident ( January). Although, I'm no longer having night mare of it but still, when I heard anything about death- I'm shivering. Why god take those good people away when they were so young? For now, I knew how much it value for someone life and I'm praying for my parents, brother, grandma, families and friends healthy always and forever. I couldn't hold on to any lost. Being healthy, happy are the only thing I wished forever my birthday wish. I love everyone especially mum, brother and dad, even though sometimes, I tried to be mean and childish. 

Complicated feeling ever had. I never thought of financial problem since I was born. I knew I'm a lucky child and I didn't appreciate what I had. I'm regretted. I never thought maybe someday I might need to quit my studying middle in the road. I never thought of someday my parents will get older and I'm overwhelming them with the expenses in the states. When I first heard the news, I was so worried and I barely cry. I'm worried. I don't want to let go of my dream, although mum didn't mention anything about the financial yet I knew its not optimism. I really hope with my current CGpa I can get scholarship. I really need sponsor from the school or company. I don't want to disappoint anyone, and I'm going to work as hard as I could to brush up my foundation and maintain the current gpa. 

2013

2013 was a dream for me. Peoples come and go within a seconds, unpredictable and I only caught the tiny of the air left behind. Everything just happened to be out of the box without any preparation and this is what we called it as "LIFE" .
 From the beginning of the year', I thought it would be a great and unforgettable 2013 ever yet everything just fuck up when it cames to the end of the year. My favorite actor had gone to the heaven and learnt a hard lesson and going through a tough time. I'm still not over with it dealing with the hard time. 
Somehow,  I do realized what "FRIENDS" really stand for after seeing what Vin Diesel, Tyrese Gibson, Gal Gadot, Jordana Brester and etc did and grieved, mourned for the loss of two lives. Paul Walker and Nelson Mandela left the world with their magnificent work that will be carry on. And the most important was my friend (classmate) leaving to New York to further her studies. 
Imagine it, how sad it was. When you just got to know someone for months and then she's leaving. Anyway, New York isn't far from here hopefully we can meet up at any free time and build up the friendships. The only thing I regret about was we didn't get to have ice skating together. I just miss her, she's such a pretty, lovely girl and I felt so great to be around with her. If time can slip over, I would probably spend more time with her as bond for friendship.
This year, I seen, learnt and grow. People i met taught me, loves me, cares about me and i'm appreciate. God, treat me well. I spent the last day of 2013 at Epcot, Florida with my sickness. That's awful and tiring. Meanwhile, i also had some wishes for myself
1. I need to move on with my life with the spirit Paul left behind. I might not as rich, as generous but at least i can be someone dedicating to the society.
2. I must take good care of myself because life is limited and unpredictable. 
3. Brand new year, brand new semester. I need to hold onto my faith and keep working on what i suppose to, no matter how tough it is. Life stress me out, and I stress work out. 
4. I need to find someone that can help me in my career, my studies, and my living.
5. I wish i could spent more time with my families and friends.
6. I must learn to forgive someone and helpful. 
7. *secret*